on Dec. 5th we were so excited to find out we would be welcoming another baby into our home. We decided that it would be fun to tell our families on Christmas, knowing it was very early to share the news only being 6 weeks. We then decided that it would also be fun not to tell anyone else until it was impossibe to hide it. Little did we know that would become a great blessing. On Thursday Jan 26th Scott came home from work, I was exhauseted and decided we would go out to eat, just before this I used the bathroom and found a little blood. I didn't think much of it, I had spotted with all 3 other pregnancies. At 4 am I got up to go the bathroom to find alot of blood. I knew something wasn't right. I woke up Scott and we decided there was not much to do in the middle of the night, but I asked Scott to call his sister, who is a OB Medical Assistant, in the morning she got me into her Dr. for an ultrasound, which showed the baby had no heart beat and was measuring smaller than at my 8 week appt., something happened shortly after my first appt. and on Jan 28th at 4 am the horrific experience was complete, or so I thought. In all my reading in the 2 days waiting for the tissue to pass I tried to find info on what to expect, to find nothing helpful. 2 weeks after, I went to my OB to have another ultrasound to find that everything was still not cleaned out. I decided to wait a couple more weeks before I agreed to have a D&C. 4 weeks after this all began I sat in the bathroom holding the embryotic sac in my hand with all sorts of feelings and emotions.

I had so many misconceptions about miscarriage and in all the grieving of our litte Caleb never gave any credit to women in my SHARE group who were there because of a miscarriage. I take back any thoughts I had about them not really needing to be there.

Through all of this I have felt Heavenly Father's love for me and have asked myself so many times Why don't I have the same deep feelings of greif I did with Caleb, I feel so happy, and the only answer I can come up with, is that I know my Heavenly Father loves ME. And this is his plan for HIS children, HIS child is who we created a body for, but it is HIS plan and he knows what HIS children need.

I'm so behind, but new pics anyway.


Isn't David the cutest thing!!!!

Leave it to Ethan!

The mishaps of trying to get a family photo

Winco

We went to Winco grocery store yesterday and many might know how polished the floor is. So clean and polished in fact that you can see a reflective shadow of yourself and the reflection of the lights on the ceiling.
Our little David was running on the floor, and made a sudden stop. He would not move, I thought that something had happened to his foot or his shoe was falling off. No, he could see the reflection of the light and thought he was going to fall in.
I thought that maybe just holding my hand would give him enough security, no. He had his feet firmly planted and when I would start walking and pull on his hand his feet would not move.
I think I will shop there more often, it will keep him at the cart instead of running up and down the isle.

Time flies

St. Patrick's day.

The many faces of Ethan.

"I can be such a cute loveable kid."


"I'm so sad"

"I'm confused"

"I'm just so grumpy"

Who can believe that it has taken me this long to upload Easter pictures. And even longer to put a single photo of our new arrival. And it's not even of when he was new.

Brennan is about 3 months old in this picture, but you can see how much his brothers adore him, for now...

Can anyone believe that Brennan will be 5 months soon.

Need your Help?

Scott will be riding again this year in the "tour de cure". Scott has diabetes, also has diabetes in his family. He has a great desire to help in any way he can to educate and support diabetes research. He has commited to ride 26 miles on June 13th, with his father, sister and many others for a cure. He is looking for any donations that can be spared every little bit helps.

Thanks for everything!


Please visit: http://main.diabetes.org/site/TR?pg=personal&fr_id=6894&px=4626564

Snow Days

My boys!

With 15 days til this next baby is due, I braved the snow.



Aren't they adorable?!

Fall clean up

We spent most of this last Saturday cleaning up the back yard where we have 2 huge trees that have a ton of leaves.

Ethan started his pile at the bottom of the slide.

Off to collect more leaves.

We finally made it and there are already 6 bags of leaves .

Sometimes to fix the lawn mower it helps to climb in the bag

And the final count is 19 bags of leaves.

Updates

It has been almost 9 months since I've posted anything because we had been living with Scott's grandpa. We have recently moved into our own home and have a quick enough internet connection to stay in touch.

We moved in July when Ethan was 20 months and David just 2 months.
So much has happened since then.

1 month after moving Scott found a job drafting (what he went to school for) and was making almost twice what he was after transfering with walmart and taking a pay cut.

After spending months laying in bed using every ounce of energy I had left just being a mom, I made a choice. I know that Caleb will be part of our family for eternity and I will get to raise him after Christ returns, so I will be patient and instead of always having him on the front burner of my mind. I can put him on the back burner and not feel guilty about it. I have to be the 100% best mom I can for the 2 little boys that our Heavenly Father has entrusted to my care.

In November we celebrated Ethan's 2nd birthday with a big family party. And David's first trip to the emergency room.

In January I started working again just 2 days a week at a dental office. It is such a good thing, it gives my kids 2 days a week with other kids and me 2 days a week with adults. I would trade it in a heart beat to stay at home full time again, but the finances will not allow it right now.

In Feb. Scott got laid off from his good job and exactly 2 weeks later had a better job in SLC. Which besides being overjoyed that he had a job, it was outside of Brigham and closer to UofU, where he will continue his schooling.

In May we celebrated David's 1st birthday. I can't believe it came so fast.

With both of us back to work we qualified for a house and on May 15th we signed the papers. On May 18th we found out very unexpectedly that I'm pregnant, due on Jan 16th. We moved in on May 22nd, and it has been great having enough room for the boys to run around we can go outside with out worrying about what David would be getting into. They have a toy room so finally we are not tripping over toys all over the place.

June 20th David took his first steps. Twice he took 3 steps and has not done it since. I think he figured he can crawl faster so what's the point.

I'll post pictures soon!

Tour De Cure

Seve and family will be participating in the Tour De Cure ( for diabetes ) on July 13, 2009 in Brigham city. We will be pulling our children in a bike trailer attached to our bicycles for the distance of 25 miles. We are looking for support in our efforts, anyone who would like to support us can by visiting our web site: http://main.diabetes.org/site/TR?pg=personal&fr_id=5629&px=4626564

any donation big or small would be very appriciated. Please if a donation is not possible please help in our effort by passing the information on. Thanks


Scott, Has been diagnosed with diabetes so we are riding for him and everyone effected with this disease. Thanks to You All

Baby Tag

Okay so Traci tagged me, here goes

Name and meaning: Ethan - Firm will, and if you have ever met Ethan you know that this name fits him to a T.

Age: 22 months Every time we're at the grocery store he wants to look at the birthday cakes and tells me which one he wants

Nicknames: Pumpkin, Bug, Kiddo,

Favorite activities: SWINGING, reading, anything having to do with CARS.

Favorite foods: "Hot chololate nilk" not a misspelling that's how he says it

Least favorite foods: Anything he hasn't tried before, he hates trying new things. But really, hot cereal.

Favorite music: "Pocorn", "Itsy-Bitsy Spider", and the newest one- "Twinkle star Twinkle Twinkle little star Twinkle are, twinkle sky, twinkle twinkle star"

Favorite toys: Anything David is playing with. Cars, balls, and anything that makes noise, especially alot of it!

Favorite book: Cars, Mommy's picture book of David and Caleb, and if you ask him what he's looking at he very clearly tells you he's reading

Favorite item of clothing: Nothing, if he can get away he will.

What makes him happy: Huggas, daddy coming home from work, big papa

What makes him sad: When he doesn't get his own way, when mommy has spent to much time with David

I tag:
Melissa and Reed
Traci and Lynnie
Lehilina and Alegria
Anna and Olivia

Name and meaning: David- Beloved

Age: 4 months but really 2 1/2

Nicknames: Pumpkin pie, Dabido, Dave,

Favorite activities: Snuggling with Daddy

Favorite foods: mommy's milk, His bottle, he's not so fond of having to work that hard with a spoon

Least favorite foods: Anything on a spoon

Favorite music: Mommy singing - My little dog

Favorite toys: Anything Ethan will share.

Favorite book: Pictures

Favorite item of clothing: anything snuggly and soft

What makes him happy: Smiles and being talked to

What makes him sad: Being alone

I have the sweetest son!

Today I had an appointment with a councler so I left the boys with my friend Anna, she has 2 kids just a little older than Ethan. She said after picking them up that Ethan had alot of fun with her little girl Olivia. She must have had a great impact on him, because, I was nursing David and Ethan looked at me and said "Pretty", so I asked "What's pretty?" "Mommy Pretty" was his response. It made me feel like the queen of the world, at least I am of his little world! Then he leaned over the arm of the couch and said "Princess" again I said "who's a princess?" He repeated "Mommy Princess". I love that he is starting to make little sentences, to see what is going on in his head. He has to try a couple of times if he is trying to put several words together but he does it.
He is just growing up so fast, We have seriously started potty training, we've got the "tinkle" down pretty good, but he comes and tells me "poopoo" "Ethan you need to go poopoo?" "Big poopoo" "You need to make a big poopoo? Run to the potty chair." "Big poopoo diaper" I guess at least he tells me, so he knows what he's suppose to do, so now if I can just get him to tell me before he goes. But our goal was by his 2nd birthday, we have til November 2nd, so we might just make it!
I told me girlfriends last weekend that because Ethan's first birthday was just the 3 of us, I'm going to do the whole birthday party for him on Sat. the 1st of November. I think it will be alot of fun, we'll see if he makes a bigger mess with his cake this time. Since last time he sat for about 20 minutes poking holes in his cake until you couldn't tell what it looked like.
David is doing so great I really need to get some pictures posted, he is getting so big and he smiles at everything! He hates his tummy time so it might be a while still until he really gets the idea of rolling over, if he relaxes he almost gets it, but he gets so mad he screams and arches his back, and he really can't do much when only 1 square inch of his belly is touching the floor.
He started on solids 2 weeks ago! Every time I feed him he puckers up his face in discust as if to say "What is this grabage" so until we passed the first few days on cereal I added a little sugar thinking that might intice him more, not one bit. Now that we have tried apples, peaches and pears added to it he only makes the face for the first few bits, then by the time we're done he is so happy, and FAT, he will eat and eat until his little belly looks like it's going to explode.
Scott is absolutly loving his new job. He said it is exactly what he has been looking for, so we might be staying here for a while. He was even on the computer tonight looking at houses, I wish we could afford one, I'm really hoping that at his 90 day review they will say they're paying him to little and give him a good raise. Because I really want to move out of this basement, but I also don't want to go back to work to pay for rent, but it just might come down to that, Walmart might start looking like a great place again if we're still here in a few more months, I would love to go back to dental assisting, but with the kids, there is no way I'm going to put them in daycare.
Like I said earlier I went to see a councler today. It was in my opinion awful. We talked about my mom for the whole hour, and I came away feeling like a very selfish, needy person. But I think she may be a little right, through her divorce I haven't been very compationate. I have kindof had the attitude, that since she filed, she got what she deserved. Especially now with all the court stuff she is going through.
Please respond to this, I think I am a little selfish, unsympatheic, and not very compassionate to other peoples problems, I expect a shoulder to always be there, but I don't lend mine very often. I have a hard time connecting to how others are feeling. This is deffinantly something I need to work on. But she did tell me that I need to comfront my mom, very gently and tell her what I expect from our relationship, that I need to paint a very clear picture. So I'd better wright it all down before I start. If we can have a bette understanding of where eachother stands maybe we can both be a little happier. At least we would know what to expect from eachother, and maybe it will be a deal breaker, but, I just need her to be a little less critical of people, especially people she has only met once or twice. I'm talking about one specific person, she met when she came to Montana when I had the twins, then again at the funeral, I made a comment to her that I had learned alot about being a mom from this person and how much I admired her. My mom then told me that when she talked to this person at Caleb's funeral that this person couldn't possibly like her kids, because she told my mom about the many ways she tries to get away from her kids and dump them on her husband. I know this person very well, she is one of my dearest friends, and if she leaves her kids all tucked in bed and goes grocery shopping with me after a long day of being a stay at home mom, I don't think that qualifies as "dumping" them on her husband. I just amazes me how out of context my mom can relate things.
Sorry I really tried to make this post a little more light hearted, I started out that way, but look at it now, Oh well, one thing at a time.

Having a hard time being "home"

Things have been so different since we moved back to Utah. I told Scott yesterday that it’s funny that when we lived in Montana that we called Utah home, now that we’re here we call Montana home.
I pictured things a lot different from what is happening.
It felt great to move away from family and what we called home, and make a new home for ourselves and our kids. In Montana I found myself. I found out who I was as a person, wife, mother, individual member of society, and I felt like I flourished. I was so happy there.
After everything that has happened this year coming back seemed like a great idea. I thought that coming back I would maybe have a little help with the kids so that I would have a little time to myself to reflect and meditate on what all has happened. I thought that like in Bozeman people would volunteer to give me a little help. I think that is what I miss most. My friends, my ward family and co-workers who were always willing to lend a helping hand, no matter how small.
Since we have come home, my ward family doesn’t know me very well to offer support, I don’t have any co-workers and MY family has been very little help. Yes my little sister did help me get my living space organized, but before it was done I was left with an active 21 month old that promptly marked his territory by getting out all his toys, so I have a hard time keeping it up. Also, being confined to the basement (which grandpa has told me I don’t have to be, but with nursing and nap time we spend a lot of our day down here.) I am desperate everyday to get out of the house, I try to make sure Ethan is getting enough exercise and exhausting all the pent up energy he has, but it is really hard to do when I’m in the middle of nursing David and Ethan wants me to take him to see the creek at John Adams Park, and if I don’t he starts going down the hill by himself no matter how many times I call him back, so I have two choices, I can either let him go by himself and hope he doesn’t fall in, not really a choice, so that leaves me with one choice, quit nursing, making David cry because he’s still hungry and go chase after Ethan, again giving him his own way.
I just feel like I’m failing because I don’t know how to get Ethan to listen to me, I don’t know if I’m talking to much to him, that he doesn’t hear my voice anymore, I just end up getting so frustrated with him. Then my mom tells me that I shouldn’t be frustrated because he communicates so well that he is never going to go through the terrible 2’s, according to her none of her children did the terrible 2’s. Then again according to her, she did everything right. She had 7 kids and was able to take care of them all by herself, and she me today that she doesn’t know what’s up with mothers these days, when she was having kids her generation didn’t have their mothers help, they just had kids and took care of them without any help, from anyone.
Ever since we have moved back she thinks she knows exactly what I’m going through, I make a comment and she says that she understands because she has been there, done that. But she doesn’t have a clue.
I know she had miscarriages, and that I have not, but I don’t think it is as devastating as knowing weeks before you are to give birth that your baby is going to die, she has never sat at the graveside of one of her children, yes maybe her grandchildren but not her own. So to say that she understands what I’m going through, she hasn’t got a clue.
I told her today that I just can’t understand how the day goes by so fast, it’s not like I’m sleeping in or being lazy, I start my day at least by 6:30 if not sooner, and before I know it, its 1:00 and time for Ethan’s nap, and I haven’t got very much accomplished, she then told me all the things that she did with her 2 children, who were closer together and were harder to take care of, how she was pregnant for the 3rd time by the time my oldest sister was Ethan’s age, how she had to boil chickens and rice to make formula, how she had to use cloth diapers, and somehow she managed.
I just don’t know why she wants me to feel like such a failure. Maybe she doesn’t, but that is how I feel.
She couldn’t have cared less when her parents passed away; I had built a good relationship with my dad before he passed away. If I make a comment about how much I appreciate Scott because he did something helpful or nice, she reminds me how bad her marriage was and rips on my dad then doesn’t stop there, but continues with Pam, my step-mom, who is a very nice person, and has the unfortunate task of finishing up the court issues that were going on before my dad passed. But she is mad because Pam is the one who did the homework for my dad. And my mom keeps saying that because of Pam we kids are not sharing my dads life insurance, well in my opinion, they were married whatever they decided to do with their finances was their business, I’m not going to hate Pam because she loved and was a wife to my dad. I can only think that my mom is so mad about all of this because Pam had the marriage that my mom always wanted. But according to my moms cousin, she came to him the night before she got married and told him she didn’t love my dad, and my uncle told her that he would help her call off the wedding, that it wasn’t right for her to ruin his life, but she told him that things had already gone to far, that she had to go through with it. So if this is true than I don’t think she has any right to complain that her marriage was bad and that she divorced him. She even made the comment tonight “When your dad left” as if it was his choice and decision. I don’t think she takes any of the blame for anything. She always just thinks she is right. It makes me crazy.
I guess I thought that since everyone was pushing so hard for us to come back to Utah that that meant they were willing to lend a hand and make things a little easier, at least for a little while, until Scott and I could find our footing again.
Scott’s family has been such a help through all that has happened, but again since we have been home, we see them very little.
Scott’s mom has his sisters kids there half the week so I don’t feel comfortable asking her for help, then the days that the other grandkids aren’t there she is trying to take care of her business. I did ask her if she could watch the kids 1 day last week for a couple of hours so I could go to a dr. appt last week, and she said it would depend on her daughter, I just got the feeling that her daughters kids were more important than mine, why couldn’t she make the decision?
I feel so alone right now, I just wish I could pack up our things and move away again.

New Job!!!

Scott started his new job today. When he left he told his Grandpa that he was really nervous. We met him for lunch. He seemed so excited. He told us he thought he was going to have his own cubical, he actually has his very own office, with 3 desks. We're going tonight to buy him some office supplies and put together a few pictures. I think he is really going to like it there, BECAUSE, one Friday in Sept. they already have a play date scheduled. They are taking a 1/2 day and going golfing for the last 4 hrs. of work, having dinner and GETTING PAID TO PLAY!!!
Now who feels bad for Scott, by show of hands, I didn't think so. I'm so happy that his is so excited.
This has so far been a great move for us. Although I miss so many people that I met in Bozeman, all in all this was a good decision.
As for me, I got the paperwork all turned in for Caleb's headstone today and they said it would take aobut 2 weeks to get to it so I'm hoping by the end of Sept. to have it in.
I am personally doing much better today, I told myself a few days ago that I was not going to let this dark cloud hang over my head anymore. It's not gone but the skies are bluer!
Ethan is repeating everything that Scott and I say. And daddy and Grandpa put up a tire swing for him. So far he has been in it every night and comes in the house bearly able to walk from being so dizzy!
David ROLLED OVER 2 times this week, he is getting so good at holding his head up that he gets top heavy and over he goes! It's so great to see him progress, he might be a little behind but it is right on schedule from when Ethan did it minus the 6 weeks that he was early.
Last night after I fed him I put him in his bed, he looked up at the cealing and started laughing, this went on for about 15 min. before he looked over at me and feel asleep, I thought it was so funny. His Dr. said that babies don't start giggling until about 6 months, this is something he has learned very early.

I'm Back!!!

We have FINALLY got our computer back up and running. Since the move we have done everything else and this was the last project.
I will download pictures soon. But with just a dial-up connection it is going to take alot of patience on my part.
Since the move Ethan has started calling his 3 yr. old cousin Kira, Lynnie, and even named his teddy bear Lynnie. He's so adorable, his language skills have really taken off, he can easily put 2 words together and stutters alittle on getting his thoughts across in longer sentences, but it is deffinantly comming at an amazing speed.
David turned 100 days today! He is just about steady with his head and can lift it for quite some time when we do tummy time. And he even hit the 9 lb. mark. He's a little fighter, he's getting his chubby, rolly thighs. And he is such a good baby, if he is full and dry he is all smiles, getting pictures of him smiling is an easy task.
On Monday Scott starts his new job with GEM manufacturing. This is going to be a great blessing. Just after we moved here Scott's friend called and told him there was an opening for a draftsman and since this is Scott's associates degree he jumped at the opportunity. It's going to be great having a Mon-Fri 8-5 job. This is going to give him the experiance he needs if we have to move to SLC for school. If not hopefully it will become a great career.
As for me, I take it one day at a time. I have found myself getting upset with Ethan alot quicker, he is so curious, and gets into, climbs on and touches anything he can get his hands onto. I'm so grateful David is as good as he is or I might be going nuts. On the other hand I think I am going crazy. I'm going to go see a councler, because since before we moved I have been sad alot more than I think I should be. I realize that with everything that has happened some sadness is expected, but I can't seem to get out of this rut, and it's causing a strain on all my relationships. Thank goodness Scott and I are bestfriends or I don't know that we could hang on. I get so fete up some times with the smallest of things that last year would have never phased me.

I spent almost the whole day today thinking about Caleb. The stone has arrived for the headstone, it will be placed very soon. The memories are starting to fade, the feeling of holding him in my arms, the feel of his skin and hair. I'm so scared, it feels like a dream now, and I'm worried I will wake up and have nothing. Luckly, I do have his video and pictures, but it doesn't feel like enough. I keep reading and praying trying to find the peace I felt just after his passing, but that feels like it has gone too. I keep praying that I can feel his presence, but nothing. I know God loves me and life is busy on the other side, but I just want my child. On the other hand I have had people tell me that I'm need to slow down, I'm trying to do to much. Maybe if I did I wouldn't feel this way, but I don't know what else to do, I just can't sit still, to the extent that I have trouble sleeping anymore, and when I do, it's not refreshing or pleasant. I wake up several times a night with disturbing dreams. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

I've been reading a book titled "Angel Children" and that has helped alot. And the recent R.S. lessons from the teachings of Joseph Smith.