Looking forward to tomorrow!

Looking forward to tomorrow!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I'm Back!!!

We have FINALLY got our computer back up and running. Since the move we have done everything else and this was the last project.
I will download pictures soon. But with just a dial-up connection it is going to take alot of patience on my part.
Since the move Ethan has started calling his 3 yr. old cousin Kira, Lynnie, and even named his teddy bear Lynnie. He's so adorable, his language skills have really taken off, he can easily put 2 words together and stutters alittle on getting his thoughts across in longer sentences, but it is deffinantly comming at an amazing speed.
David turned 100 days today! He is just about steady with his head and can lift it for quite some time when we do tummy time. And he even hit the 9 lb. mark. He's a little fighter, he's getting his chubby, rolly thighs. And he is such a good baby, if he is full and dry he is all smiles, getting pictures of him smiling is an easy task.
On Monday Scott starts his new job with GEM manufacturing. This is going to be a great blessing. Just after we moved here Scott's friend called and told him there was an opening for a draftsman and since this is Scott's associates degree he jumped at the opportunity. It's going to be great having a Mon-Fri 8-5 job. This is going to give him the experiance he needs if we have to move to SLC for school. If not hopefully it will become a great career.
As for me, I take it one day at a time. I have found myself getting upset with Ethan alot quicker, he is so curious, and gets into, climbs on and touches anything he can get his hands onto. I'm so grateful David is as good as he is or I might be going nuts. On the other hand I think I am going crazy. I'm going to go see a councler, because since before we moved I have been sad alot more than I think I should be. I realize that with everything that has happened some sadness is expected, but I can't seem to get out of this rut, and it's causing a strain on all my relationships. Thank goodness Scott and I are bestfriends or I don't know that we could hang on. I get so fete up some times with the smallest of things that last year would have never phased me.

I spent almost the whole day today thinking about Caleb. The stone has arrived for the headstone, it will be placed very soon. The memories are starting to fade, the feeling of holding him in my arms, the feel of his skin and hair. I'm so scared, it feels like a dream now, and I'm worried I will wake up and have nothing. Luckly, I do have his video and pictures, but it doesn't feel like enough. I keep reading and praying trying to find the peace I felt just after his passing, but that feels like it has gone too. I keep praying that I can feel his presence, but nothing. I know God loves me and life is busy on the other side, but I just want my child. On the other hand I have had people tell me that I'm need to slow down, I'm trying to do to much. Maybe if I did I wouldn't feel this way, but I don't know what else to do, I just can't sit still, to the extent that I have trouble sleeping anymore, and when I do, it's not refreshing or pleasant. I wake up several times a night with disturbing dreams. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

I've been reading a book titled "Angel Children" and that has helped alot. And the recent R.S. lessons from the teachings of Joseph Smith.

4 comments:

Candi said...

I would say that everything that you are feeling is normal. I still feel like that most days and it is getting really close to a year since Avery's birth. There is a program called Angel Watch up there and I think it may be able to help you. I will email you Carolyn's email address. I was never able to meet with them personally because they don't travel this far south but they have a lot of literature and other things that have helped me tons.

Keeping you in my prayers...
Love Candi

Lewieville said...

I am so glad you are back... now bring on the pictures

Lewieville said...

And Seve... hang in there. I love you so much and I know you will get through this. You have an amazing spirit and testimony and you will pull through. It has only been just over three months... it will take time. And you can call me ANYTIME!! Remember I don't sleep either. I love you.

Anna said...

I hope you start coming to girl's night now that you are back. I'm sure Annalee and Jana have a lot of thoughts and ideas about how you're feeling.

I think that one thing that is hard for mom's that lose babies is feeling like no one but them remembers their baby. Like everyone has forgotten and moved on.

Well, I'm not exactly sure how to word things, but I'll always remember Caleb and will always be willing listen if you want to talk about him.

I hope you do feel better. I think going to a counselor would be a good idea. Sometimes just talking to someone can help SO much.