Looking forward to tomorrow!

Looking forward to tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Baby Tag

Okay so Traci tagged me, here goes

Name and meaning: Ethan - Firm will, and if you have ever met Ethan you know that this name fits him to a T.

Age: 22 months Every time we're at the grocery store he wants to look at the birthday cakes and tells me which one he wants

Nicknames: Pumpkin, Bug, Kiddo,

Favorite activities: SWINGING, reading, anything having to do with CARS.

Favorite foods: "Hot chololate nilk" not a misspelling that's how he says it

Least favorite foods: Anything he hasn't tried before, he hates trying new things. But really, hot cereal.

Favorite music: "Pocorn", "Itsy-Bitsy Spider", and the newest one- "Twinkle star Twinkle Twinkle little star Twinkle are, twinkle sky, twinkle twinkle star"

Favorite toys: Anything David is playing with. Cars, balls, and anything that makes noise, especially alot of it!

Favorite book: Cars, Mommy's picture book of David and Caleb, and if you ask him what he's looking at he very clearly tells you he's reading

Favorite item of clothing: Nothing, if he can get away he will.

What makes him happy: Huggas, daddy coming home from work, big papa

What makes him sad: When he doesn't get his own way, when mommy has spent to much time with David

I tag:
Melissa and Reed
Traci and Lynnie
Lehilina and Alegria
Anna and Olivia

Name and meaning: David- Beloved

Age: 4 months but really 2 1/2

Nicknames: Pumpkin pie, Dabido, Dave,

Favorite activities: Snuggling with Daddy

Favorite foods: mommy's milk, His bottle, he's not so fond of having to work that hard with a spoon

Least favorite foods: Anything on a spoon

Favorite music: Mommy singing - My little dog

Favorite toys: Anything Ethan will share.

Favorite book: Pictures

Favorite item of clothing: anything snuggly and soft

What makes him happy: Smiles and being talked to

What makes him sad: Being alone

I have the sweetest son!

Today I had an appointment with a councler so I left the boys with my friend Anna, she has 2 kids just a little older than Ethan. She said after picking them up that Ethan had alot of fun with her little girl Olivia. She must have had a great impact on him, because, I was nursing David and Ethan looked at me and said "Pretty", so I asked "What's pretty?" "Mommy Pretty" was his response. It made me feel like the queen of the world, at least I am of his little world! Then he leaned over the arm of the couch and said "Princess" again I said "who's a princess?" He repeated "Mommy Princess". I love that he is starting to make little sentences, to see what is going on in his head. He has to try a couple of times if he is trying to put several words together but he does it.
He is just growing up so fast, We have seriously started potty training, we've got the "tinkle" down pretty good, but he comes and tells me "poopoo" "Ethan you need to go poopoo?" "Big poopoo" "You need to make a big poopoo? Run to the potty chair." "Big poopoo diaper" I guess at least he tells me, so he knows what he's suppose to do, so now if I can just get him to tell me before he goes. But our goal was by his 2nd birthday, we have til November 2nd, so we might just make it!
I told me girlfriends last weekend that because Ethan's first birthday was just the 3 of us, I'm going to do the whole birthday party for him on Sat. the 1st of November. I think it will be alot of fun, we'll see if he makes a bigger mess with his cake this time. Since last time he sat for about 20 minutes poking holes in his cake until you couldn't tell what it looked like.
David is doing so great I really need to get some pictures posted, he is getting so big and he smiles at everything! He hates his tummy time so it might be a while still until he really gets the idea of rolling over, if he relaxes he almost gets it, but he gets so mad he screams and arches his back, and he really can't do much when only 1 square inch of his belly is touching the floor.
He started on solids 2 weeks ago! Every time I feed him he puckers up his face in discust as if to say "What is this grabage" so until we passed the first few days on cereal I added a little sugar thinking that might intice him more, not one bit. Now that we have tried apples, peaches and pears added to it he only makes the face for the first few bits, then by the time we're done he is so happy, and FAT, he will eat and eat until his little belly looks like it's going to explode.
Scott is absolutly loving his new job. He said it is exactly what he has been looking for, so we might be staying here for a while. He was even on the computer tonight looking at houses, I wish we could afford one, I'm really hoping that at his 90 day review they will say they're paying him to little and give him a good raise. Because I really want to move out of this basement, but I also don't want to go back to work to pay for rent, but it just might come down to that, Walmart might start looking like a great place again if we're still here in a few more months, I would love to go back to dental assisting, but with the kids, there is no way I'm going to put them in daycare.
Like I said earlier I went to see a councler today. It was in my opinion awful. We talked about my mom for the whole hour, and I came away feeling like a very selfish, needy person. But I think she may be a little right, through her divorce I haven't been very compationate. I have kindof had the attitude, that since she filed, she got what she deserved. Especially now with all the court stuff she is going through.
Please respond to this, I think I am a little selfish, unsympatheic, and not very compassionate to other peoples problems, I expect a shoulder to always be there, but I don't lend mine very often. I have a hard time connecting to how others are feeling. This is deffinantly something I need to work on. But she did tell me that I need to comfront my mom, very gently and tell her what I expect from our relationship, that I need to paint a very clear picture. So I'd better wright it all down before I start. If we can have a bette understanding of where eachother stands maybe we can both be a little happier. At least we would know what to expect from eachother, and maybe it will be a deal breaker, but, I just need her to be a little less critical of people, especially people she has only met once or twice. I'm talking about one specific person, she met when she came to Montana when I had the twins, then again at the funeral, I made a comment to her that I had learned alot about being a mom from this person and how much I admired her. My mom then told me that when she talked to this person at Caleb's funeral that this person couldn't possibly like her kids, because she told my mom about the many ways she tries to get away from her kids and dump them on her husband. I know this person very well, she is one of my dearest friends, and if she leaves her kids all tucked in bed and goes grocery shopping with me after a long day of being a stay at home mom, I don't think that qualifies as "dumping" them on her husband. I just amazes me how out of context my mom can relate things.
Sorry I really tried to make this post a little more light hearted, I started out that way, but look at it now, Oh well, one thing at a time.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Having a hard time being "home"

Things have been so different since we moved back to Utah. I told Scott yesterday that it’s funny that when we lived in Montana that we called Utah home, now that we’re here we call Montana home.
I pictured things a lot different from what is happening.
It felt great to move away from family and what we called home, and make a new home for ourselves and our kids. In Montana I found myself. I found out who I was as a person, wife, mother, individual member of society, and I felt like I flourished. I was so happy there.
After everything that has happened this year coming back seemed like a great idea. I thought that coming back I would maybe have a little help with the kids so that I would have a little time to myself to reflect and meditate on what all has happened. I thought that like in Bozeman people would volunteer to give me a little help. I think that is what I miss most. My friends, my ward family and co-workers who were always willing to lend a helping hand, no matter how small.
Since we have come home, my ward family doesn’t know me very well to offer support, I don’t have any co-workers and MY family has been very little help. Yes my little sister did help me get my living space organized, but before it was done I was left with an active 21 month old that promptly marked his territory by getting out all his toys, so I have a hard time keeping it up. Also, being confined to the basement (which grandpa has told me I don’t have to be, but with nursing and nap time we spend a lot of our day down here.) I am desperate everyday to get out of the house, I try to make sure Ethan is getting enough exercise and exhausting all the pent up energy he has, but it is really hard to do when I’m in the middle of nursing David and Ethan wants me to take him to see the creek at John Adams Park, and if I don’t he starts going down the hill by himself no matter how many times I call him back, so I have two choices, I can either let him go by himself and hope he doesn’t fall in, not really a choice, so that leaves me with one choice, quit nursing, making David cry because he’s still hungry and go chase after Ethan, again giving him his own way.
I just feel like I’m failing because I don’t know how to get Ethan to listen to me, I don’t know if I’m talking to much to him, that he doesn’t hear my voice anymore, I just end up getting so frustrated with him. Then my mom tells me that I shouldn’t be frustrated because he communicates so well that he is never going to go through the terrible 2’s, according to her none of her children did the terrible 2’s. Then again according to her, she did everything right. She had 7 kids and was able to take care of them all by herself, and she me today that she doesn’t know what’s up with mothers these days, when she was having kids her generation didn’t have their mothers help, they just had kids and took care of them without any help, from anyone.
Ever since we have moved back she thinks she knows exactly what I’m going through, I make a comment and she says that she understands because she has been there, done that. But she doesn’t have a clue.
I know she had miscarriages, and that I have not, but I don’t think it is as devastating as knowing weeks before you are to give birth that your baby is going to die, she has never sat at the graveside of one of her children, yes maybe her grandchildren but not her own. So to say that she understands what I’m going through, she hasn’t got a clue.
I told her today that I just can’t understand how the day goes by so fast, it’s not like I’m sleeping in or being lazy, I start my day at least by 6:30 if not sooner, and before I know it, its 1:00 and time for Ethan’s nap, and I haven’t got very much accomplished, she then told me all the things that she did with her 2 children, who were closer together and were harder to take care of, how she was pregnant for the 3rd time by the time my oldest sister was Ethan’s age, how she had to boil chickens and rice to make formula, how she had to use cloth diapers, and somehow she managed.
I just don’t know why she wants me to feel like such a failure. Maybe she doesn’t, but that is how I feel.
She couldn’t have cared less when her parents passed away; I had built a good relationship with my dad before he passed away. If I make a comment about how much I appreciate Scott because he did something helpful or nice, she reminds me how bad her marriage was and rips on my dad then doesn’t stop there, but continues with Pam, my step-mom, who is a very nice person, and has the unfortunate task of finishing up the court issues that were going on before my dad passed. But she is mad because Pam is the one who did the homework for my dad. And my mom keeps saying that because of Pam we kids are not sharing my dads life insurance, well in my opinion, they were married whatever they decided to do with their finances was their business, I’m not going to hate Pam because she loved and was a wife to my dad. I can only think that my mom is so mad about all of this because Pam had the marriage that my mom always wanted. But according to my moms cousin, she came to him the night before she got married and told him she didn’t love my dad, and my uncle told her that he would help her call off the wedding, that it wasn’t right for her to ruin his life, but she told him that things had already gone to far, that she had to go through with it. So if this is true than I don’t think she has any right to complain that her marriage was bad and that she divorced him. She even made the comment tonight “When your dad left” as if it was his choice and decision. I don’t think she takes any of the blame for anything. She always just thinks she is right. It makes me crazy.
I guess I thought that since everyone was pushing so hard for us to come back to Utah that that meant they were willing to lend a hand and make things a little easier, at least for a little while, until Scott and I could find our footing again.
Scott’s family has been such a help through all that has happened, but again since we have been home, we see them very little.
Scott’s mom has his sisters kids there half the week so I don’t feel comfortable asking her for help, then the days that the other grandkids aren’t there she is trying to take care of her business. I did ask her if she could watch the kids 1 day last week for a couple of hours so I could go to a dr. appt last week, and she said it would depend on her daughter, I just got the feeling that her daughters kids were more important than mine, why couldn’t she make the decision?
I feel so alone right now, I just wish I could pack up our things and move away again.