Looking forward to tomorrow!

Looking forward to tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Baby Tag

Okay so Traci tagged me, here goes

Name and meaning: Ethan - Firm will, and if you have ever met Ethan you know that this name fits him to a T.

Age: 22 months Every time we're at the grocery store he wants to look at the birthday cakes and tells me which one he wants

Nicknames: Pumpkin, Bug, Kiddo,

Favorite activities: SWINGING, reading, anything having to do with CARS.

Favorite foods: "Hot chololate nilk" not a misspelling that's how he says it

Least favorite foods: Anything he hasn't tried before, he hates trying new things. But really, hot cereal.

Favorite music: "Pocorn", "Itsy-Bitsy Spider", and the newest one- "Twinkle star Twinkle Twinkle little star Twinkle are, twinkle sky, twinkle twinkle star"

Favorite toys: Anything David is playing with. Cars, balls, and anything that makes noise, especially alot of it!

Favorite book: Cars, Mommy's picture book of David and Caleb, and if you ask him what he's looking at he very clearly tells you he's reading

Favorite item of clothing: Nothing, if he can get away he will.

What makes him happy: Huggas, daddy coming home from work, big papa

What makes him sad: When he doesn't get his own way, when mommy has spent to much time with David

I tag:
Melissa and Reed
Traci and Lynnie
Lehilina and Alegria
Anna and Olivia

Name and meaning: David- Beloved

Age: 4 months but really 2 1/2

Nicknames: Pumpkin pie, Dabido, Dave,

Favorite activities: Snuggling with Daddy

Favorite foods: mommy's milk, His bottle, he's not so fond of having to work that hard with a spoon

Least favorite foods: Anything on a spoon

Favorite music: Mommy singing - My little dog

Favorite toys: Anything Ethan will share.

Favorite book: Pictures

Favorite item of clothing: anything snuggly and soft

What makes him happy: Smiles and being talked to

What makes him sad: Being alone

I have the sweetest son!

Today I had an appointment with a councler so I left the boys with my friend Anna, she has 2 kids just a little older than Ethan. She said after picking them up that Ethan had alot of fun with her little girl Olivia. She must have had a great impact on him, because, I was nursing David and Ethan looked at me and said "Pretty", so I asked "What's pretty?" "Mommy Pretty" was his response. It made me feel like the queen of the world, at least I am of his little world! Then he leaned over the arm of the couch and said "Princess" again I said "who's a princess?" He repeated "Mommy Princess". I love that he is starting to make little sentences, to see what is going on in his head. He has to try a couple of times if he is trying to put several words together but he does it.
He is just growing up so fast, We have seriously started potty training, we've got the "tinkle" down pretty good, but he comes and tells me "poopoo" "Ethan you need to go poopoo?" "Big poopoo" "You need to make a big poopoo? Run to the potty chair." "Big poopoo diaper" I guess at least he tells me, so he knows what he's suppose to do, so now if I can just get him to tell me before he goes. But our goal was by his 2nd birthday, we have til November 2nd, so we might just make it!
I told me girlfriends last weekend that because Ethan's first birthday was just the 3 of us, I'm going to do the whole birthday party for him on Sat. the 1st of November. I think it will be alot of fun, we'll see if he makes a bigger mess with his cake this time. Since last time he sat for about 20 minutes poking holes in his cake until you couldn't tell what it looked like.
David is doing so great I really need to get some pictures posted, he is getting so big and he smiles at everything! He hates his tummy time so it might be a while still until he really gets the idea of rolling over, if he relaxes he almost gets it, but he gets so mad he screams and arches his back, and he really can't do much when only 1 square inch of his belly is touching the floor.
He started on solids 2 weeks ago! Every time I feed him he puckers up his face in discust as if to say "What is this grabage" so until we passed the first few days on cereal I added a little sugar thinking that might intice him more, not one bit. Now that we have tried apples, peaches and pears added to it he only makes the face for the first few bits, then by the time we're done he is so happy, and FAT, he will eat and eat until his little belly looks like it's going to explode.
Scott is absolutly loving his new job. He said it is exactly what he has been looking for, so we might be staying here for a while. He was even on the computer tonight looking at houses, I wish we could afford one, I'm really hoping that at his 90 day review they will say they're paying him to little and give him a good raise. Because I really want to move out of this basement, but I also don't want to go back to work to pay for rent, but it just might come down to that, Walmart might start looking like a great place again if we're still here in a few more months, I would love to go back to dental assisting, but with the kids, there is no way I'm going to put them in daycare.
Like I said earlier I went to see a councler today. It was in my opinion awful. We talked about my mom for the whole hour, and I came away feeling like a very selfish, needy person. But I think she may be a little right, through her divorce I haven't been very compationate. I have kindof had the attitude, that since she filed, she got what she deserved. Especially now with all the court stuff she is going through.
Please respond to this, I think I am a little selfish, unsympatheic, and not very compassionate to other peoples problems, I expect a shoulder to always be there, but I don't lend mine very often. I have a hard time connecting to how others are feeling. This is deffinantly something I need to work on. But she did tell me that I need to comfront my mom, very gently and tell her what I expect from our relationship, that I need to paint a very clear picture. So I'd better wright it all down before I start. If we can have a bette understanding of where eachother stands maybe we can both be a little happier. At least we would know what to expect from eachother, and maybe it will be a deal breaker, but, I just need her to be a little less critical of people, especially people she has only met once or twice. I'm talking about one specific person, she met when she came to Montana when I had the twins, then again at the funeral, I made a comment to her that I had learned alot about being a mom from this person and how much I admired her. My mom then told me that when she talked to this person at Caleb's funeral that this person couldn't possibly like her kids, because she told my mom about the many ways she tries to get away from her kids and dump them on her husband. I know this person very well, she is one of my dearest friends, and if she leaves her kids all tucked in bed and goes grocery shopping with me after a long day of being a stay at home mom, I don't think that qualifies as "dumping" them on her husband. I just amazes me how out of context my mom can relate things.
Sorry I really tried to make this post a little more light hearted, I started out that way, but look at it now, Oh well, one thing at a time.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Having a hard time being "home"

Things have been so different since we moved back to Utah. I told Scott yesterday that it’s funny that when we lived in Montana that we called Utah home, now that we’re here we call Montana home.
I pictured things a lot different from what is happening.
It felt great to move away from family and what we called home, and make a new home for ourselves and our kids. In Montana I found myself. I found out who I was as a person, wife, mother, individual member of society, and I felt like I flourished. I was so happy there.
After everything that has happened this year coming back seemed like a great idea. I thought that coming back I would maybe have a little help with the kids so that I would have a little time to myself to reflect and meditate on what all has happened. I thought that like in Bozeman people would volunteer to give me a little help. I think that is what I miss most. My friends, my ward family and co-workers who were always willing to lend a helping hand, no matter how small.
Since we have come home, my ward family doesn’t know me very well to offer support, I don’t have any co-workers and MY family has been very little help. Yes my little sister did help me get my living space organized, but before it was done I was left with an active 21 month old that promptly marked his territory by getting out all his toys, so I have a hard time keeping it up. Also, being confined to the basement (which grandpa has told me I don’t have to be, but with nursing and nap time we spend a lot of our day down here.) I am desperate everyday to get out of the house, I try to make sure Ethan is getting enough exercise and exhausting all the pent up energy he has, but it is really hard to do when I’m in the middle of nursing David and Ethan wants me to take him to see the creek at John Adams Park, and if I don’t he starts going down the hill by himself no matter how many times I call him back, so I have two choices, I can either let him go by himself and hope he doesn’t fall in, not really a choice, so that leaves me with one choice, quit nursing, making David cry because he’s still hungry and go chase after Ethan, again giving him his own way.
I just feel like I’m failing because I don’t know how to get Ethan to listen to me, I don’t know if I’m talking to much to him, that he doesn’t hear my voice anymore, I just end up getting so frustrated with him. Then my mom tells me that I shouldn’t be frustrated because he communicates so well that he is never going to go through the terrible 2’s, according to her none of her children did the terrible 2’s. Then again according to her, she did everything right. She had 7 kids and was able to take care of them all by herself, and she me today that she doesn’t know what’s up with mothers these days, when she was having kids her generation didn’t have their mothers help, they just had kids and took care of them without any help, from anyone.
Ever since we have moved back she thinks she knows exactly what I’m going through, I make a comment and she says that she understands because she has been there, done that. But she doesn’t have a clue.
I know she had miscarriages, and that I have not, but I don’t think it is as devastating as knowing weeks before you are to give birth that your baby is going to die, she has never sat at the graveside of one of her children, yes maybe her grandchildren but not her own. So to say that she understands what I’m going through, she hasn’t got a clue.
I told her today that I just can’t understand how the day goes by so fast, it’s not like I’m sleeping in or being lazy, I start my day at least by 6:30 if not sooner, and before I know it, its 1:00 and time for Ethan’s nap, and I haven’t got very much accomplished, she then told me all the things that she did with her 2 children, who were closer together and were harder to take care of, how she was pregnant for the 3rd time by the time my oldest sister was Ethan’s age, how she had to boil chickens and rice to make formula, how she had to use cloth diapers, and somehow she managed.
I just don’t know why she wants me to feel like such a failure. Maybe she doesn’t, but that is how I feel.
She couldn’t have cared less when her parents passed away; I had built a good relationship with my dad before he passed away. If I make a comment about how much I appreciate Scott because he did something helpful or nice, she reminds me how bad her marriage was and rips on my dad then doesn’t stop there, but continues with Pam, my step-mom, who is a very nice person, and has the unfortunate task of finishing up the court issues that were going on before my dad passed. But she is mad because Pam is the one who did the homework for my dad. And my mom keeps saying that because of Pam we kids are not sharing my dads life insurance, well in my opinion, they were married whatever they decided to do with their finances was their business, I’m not going to hate Pam because she loved and was a wife to my dad. I can only think that my mom is so mad about all of this because Pam had the marriage that my mom always wanted. But according to my moms cousin, she came to him the night before she got married and told him she didn’t love my dad, and my uncle told her that he would help her call off the wedding, that it wasn’t right for her to ruin his life, but she told him that things had already gone to far, that she had to go through with it. So if this is true than I don’t think she has any right to complain that her marriage was bad and that she divorced him. She even made the comment tonight “When your dad left” as if it was his choice and decision. I don’t think she takes any of the blame for anything. She always just thinks she is right. It makes me crazy.
I guess I thought that since everyone was pushing so hard for us to come back to Utah that that meant they were willing to lend a hand and make things a little easier, at least for a little while, until Scott and I could find our footing again.
Scott’s family has been such a help through all that has happened, but again since we have been home, we see them very little.
Scott’s mom has his sisters kids there half the week so I don’t feel comfortable asking her for help, then the days that the other grandkids aren’t there she is trying to take care of her business. I did ask her if she could watch the kids 1 day last week for a couple of hours so I could go to a dr. appt last week, and she said it would depend on her daughter, I just got the feeling that her daughters kids were more important than mine, why couldn’t she make the decision?
I feel so alone right now, I just wish I could pack up our things and move away again.

Monday, August 25, 2008

New Job!!!

Scott started his new job today. When he left he told his Grandpa that he was really nervous. We met him for lunch. He seemed so excited. He told us he thought he was going to have his own cubical, he actually has his very own office, with 3 desks. We're going tonight to buy him some office supplies and put together a few pictures. I think he is really going to like it there, BECAUSE, one Friday in Sept. they already have a play date scheduled. They are taking a 1/2 day and going golfing for the last 4 hrs. of work, having dinner and GETTING PAID TO PLAY!!!
Now who feels bad for Scott, by show of hands, I didn't think so. I'm so happy that his is so excited.
This has so far been a great move for us. Although I miss so many people that I met in Bozeman, all in all this was a good decision.
As for me, I got the paperwork all turned in for Caleb's headstone today and they said it would take aobut 2 weeks to get to it so I'm hoping by the end of Sept. to have it in.
I am personally doing much better today, I told myself a few days ago that I was not going to let this dark cloud hang over my head anymore. It's not gone but the skies are bluer!
Ethan is repeating everything that Scott and I say. And daddy and Grandpa put up a tire swing for him. So far he has been in it every night and comes in the house bearly able to walk from being so dizzy!
David ROLLED OVER 2 times this week, he is getting so good at holding his head up that he gets top heavy and over he goes! It's so great to see him progress, he might be a little behind but it is right on schedule from when Ethan did it minus the 6 weeks that he was early.
Last night after I fed him I put him in his bed, he looked up at the cealing and started laughing, this went on for about 15 min. before he looked over at me and feel asleep, I thought it was so funny. His Dr. said that babies don't start giggling until about 6 months, this is something he has learned very early.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I'm Back!!!

We have FINALLY got our computer back up and running. Since the move we have done everything else and this was the last project.
I will download pictures soon. But with just a dial-up connection it is going to take alot of patience on my part.
Since the move Ethan has started calling his 3 yr. old cousin Kira, Lynnie, and even named his teddy bear Lynnie. He's so adorable, his language skills have really taken off, he can easily put 2 words together and stutters alittle on getting his thoughts across in longer sentences, but it is deffinantly comming at an amazing speed.
David turned 100 days today! He is just about steady with his head and can lift it for quite some time when we do tummy time. And he even hit the 9 lb. mark. He's a little fighter, he's getting his chubby, rolly thighs. And he is such a good baby, if he is full and dry he is all smiles, getting pictures of him smiling is an easy task.
On Monday Scott starts his new job with GEM manufacturing. This is going to be a great blessing. Just after we moved here Scott's friend called and told him there was an opening for a draftsman and since this is Scott's associates degree he jumped at the opportunity. It's going to be great having a Mon-Fri 8-5 job. This is going to give him the experiance he needs if we have to move to SLC for school. If not hopefully it will become a great career.
As for me, I take it one day at a time. I have found myself getting upset with Ethan alot quicker, he is so curious, and gets into, climbs on and touches anything he can get his hands onto. I'm so grateful David is as good as he is or I might be going nuts. On the other hand I think I am going crazy. I'm going to go see a councler, because since before we moved I have been sad alot more than I think I should be. I realize that with everything that has happened some sadness is expected, but I can't seem to get out of this rut, and it's causing a strain on all my relationships. Thank goodness Scott and I are bestfriends or I don't know that we could hang on. I get so fete up some times with the smallest of things that last year would have never phased me.

I spent almost the whole day today thinking about Caleb. The stone has arrived for the headstone, it will be placed very soon. The memories are starting to fade, the feeling of holding him in my arms, the feel of his skin and hair. I'm so scared, it feels like a dream now, and I'm worried I will wake up and have nothing. Luckly, I do have his video and pictures, but it doesn't feel like enough. I keep reading and praying trying to find the peace I felt just after his passing, but that feels like it has gone too. I keep praying that I can feel his presence, but nothing. I know God loves me and life is busy on the other side, but I just want my child. On the other hand I have had people tell me that I'm need to slow down, I'm trying to do to much. Maybe if I did I wouldn't feel this way, but I don't know what else to do, I just can't sit still, to the extent that I have trouble sleeping anymore, and when I do, it's not refreshing or pleasant. I wake up several times a night with disturbing dreams. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

I've been reading a book titled "Angel Children" and that has helped alot. And the recent R.S. lessons from the teachings of Joseph Smith.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Memory tag

Tag!Here's the drill (This one's kind of interesting...)

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Girls night out

Some of my girlfriends and I went out last night for a girls night out. It has been so long since I have had one of those without any children, as much as I love my children sometimes is does get a little overwhelming. At those times I usually go to Wal-Mart all by myself after Scott gets home from work. I forgot how great it is to have girls night out. When we move back home I'll need to make sure to have these with my girlfriends there.
Sometimes I think having girlfriends is way better than seeing a councler, because girlfriends know who you are, they understand completly, and when they don't they know that whatever questions they ask are not going to be offisive because a special bond is shared.
My girlfriends here have truly become my sisters. I will miss them all so very much. I made the comment last night that, by the end of the year the 4 of us there, Melissa, Traci, Lehilina and myself, would all be in differant states. We are headed to Utah, Traci is going to Nevada, Lehilina is going to be in Texas and Melissa's husband is trying to get a job here in Montana. We'll have to make a "childhood" pact to be sure to get together at least once a year to keep eachother updated on our lives.
It was so wonderful Traci, Melissa and I stayed up talking until around midnight. I'm sure our husbands were all wondering what happened. I find so much peace, comfort and a little less pain when I can talk about Caleb, and all three of us in our own unique way has or is very concerned about the welfare of our children. When we talk about the experiences we are having with our children it tends to turn into a discussion on the gosple, and how wonderful it is to have the comforter in our lives.
I am so greatful for the gosple of Jesus Christ in my life. I have felt the peace and love and absolute joy that awaits us. I find so much peace in knowing the plan of salvation that our loving Heavely Father has for us.
My heart has been so full with gratitude to my Heavenly Father, that he would allow me to create the body Caleb needed to fulfill his mission here on earth, and that he sent David to me at the same time to keep me busy and also be a constant reminder that I need to teach him and Ethan the things they need to know so they can be with their brother again, and that He sent me Ethan first so I would have a clue what I was doing before being thrown into this whirlwind.

spur of the moment

video
The things kids decided is a toy is facinating to me. Ethan spent about 15 min playing with the luggage rack.

We decided on Sunday spur of the moment to go to Billings and see the nurses and Dr. Damron before we leave for Utah. As it happened not one of my nurses or the Dr. was working on Monday. But we did get to leave pictures for the NICU of both our new additions.




4th of July


On the 4th of July our church had a parade for the little kids to ride their bikes in, just around the church house.


A few weeks ago Lenny wanted to ride Ethan's trike. Ethan can't quite reach the peddles yet, so he climbed on the back and they rode around at my appt for about an hour.
Tracy and I thought is would be fun to put these two in the parade. They both had a great time!

Later that night Jake and Scott lit fireworks for our families to enjoy. For it to be dark enough we had to

wait until after 10 pm. Ethan went to bed at his usual time 8:30, so we had to wake him up to see the show.

It was a little chilly so I didn't want to take David out of his car seat. But here is his first 4th of July photo. He slept through the whole show.



On the 7th of July we went to the Mortenson's house for more fire works. Ethan thought it was great and had a good time. For David, just as I thought he was going to cry because of the noise, he would see the bright lights and his eyes would be just as wide as he could open them.






video

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Water Days!!!


We went with our friends to a great water park in Belgrade.
All Ethan would do was watch the other kids and run around the outside of the water.

Ethan didn't want to get wet, I was suprised because on all the cold rainy days he will find every puddle and stomp till his shoes, socks and pants are soaked.

He was so facinated with the buckets that would fill with water and dump.

This video clip shows just how active, friendly and observant he is. He deffinantly makes his own choices and if he doesn't want to, no amount of begging will convince him to preform for the camera. Now that I'm posting these I have got to learn when to turn off the camara!

David decided to sleep the day away in his stroller. I'm so excited for next summer to have both boys running around, then again keeping an eye on both of them is a trick yet to be learned.

video

Discovery Center

We have decided that before we move back to Utah that we need to make some final memories here in Montana. Especially since we have finally made friends with similar schedules. On June 30th we decided to go with Jake and Traci, Jessalyn and Colby to the Grizzly and Wolf Discovery Center in West Yellowstone, MT.
We had so much fun, we love vacationing, even if it is just a day trip. The center didn't take to long to see everything, but there was a great playground that Jessalyn, Ethan and Colby loved running up the stairs, over the bridge, down the slide and around again.










Ethan showed his first sign of being afraid of anything, he looked through the holes on the bridge and immediatly sat down and didn't want to move until he had scooted over to the egde and could grab the railing. This fear subsided within a few minutes and he was back to running the circle.

Monday, June 30, 2008

May 12, 2008 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!


I woke up at 1:00 am, had a couple of contartions and went back to sleep, again I woke up at 3:00, thought nothing of having a couple more contracions. Woke up at 5:00 and called Scott, these contractions were painful. I called my nurse, Emily, she put me on the monitors, the contractions were every 2 minutes and very strong. Luckly, I remembered my breathing techniques from lamaze with Ethan. Scott arrived from the hotel about 5:15 and I recieved a dose of "Turb". Nothing happened, again at 5:30 Emily gave me another dose, again nothing happened, by this time I was scared, I was not ready for this, I wanted to keep these babies in as long as possible, especially, since I was 6 weeks from my due date.

Emily was told to check how far I was dialated. She said "I can't find any cervix, and I'm feeling something, I don't know what I'm feeling" I told Emily I had the uncontrollable urge to push. Dr. Ross - the OB on call came in -this being about 6:00am- checked me she agreed there was no cervix and what Emily was feeling was feet. David's foot to be precise. We no longer had time for Dr. Damron to arrive, I was rushed out of my room, pushing 2 times. I remember climbing on the Operating table for my planned c-section, Emily put a mask over my face, I pushed 2 more times. Emily switched the mask she was holding and I was gone.

I woke up back in my room, I saw Scott standing at the foot of my bed in purple scrubs, holding a baby. Scott brought the baby over and showed me the most beautiful chubby cheeked baby. My baby, Caleb. He told me David was born at 6:41 am weighing 4.8 lbs. and 18 inches, he was in the NICU on oxygen, but doing great. Caleb was born at 6:42am. weighing 6.0 lbs. and 13 inches tall, they had tried everything they could but were unable to assist him in any way. My hear broke. Scott proceede with his brother Brian, and father Craig to give Caleb his priesthood blessing. It was short and sweet and perfect. Scott then broght him to me. This being about 7:30 am. my baby was already 1 hr. old and I had missed all of it. I held him for the first time, he was so purple, I checked every little inch of him, as best I could concidering the pain, his little club feet, his short legs, his "Budda" belly, his little chin, inside his mouth his cleft pallate, then I helped him open his eyes, he had the darkest blue eyes, this was my biggest concern is not making eye contact. I got it, he looked at me!

The nurses then helped lay his little limp body on my chest, after just a few moments I started hearing people in the room say, look his color is coming in. He was alive! I stroked his back, I rubbed his hair, I felt his soft skin, and then I heard a nurse say, "We'll declare 8:05am". My baby had died. His little heart had stopped beating. The ache in my heart from the many weeks of waiting reached it peak, my heart was broken. I held him for several more minutes, then asked to have him dressed. Scott dressed him in his blessing suit, the arms needed to be rolled up several times. After passing him around for all to share their love. We went to the NICU to see David. David was crying, I laid Caleb's little body next to him, Caleb's little had fell on top of David's, David instantly settled.
We returned to my room where Scott gave Caleb his first bath. I wanted to make sure we still got all the chances to do everything we could with him.
At 8:00 that night the mortuary came to pick him up. We were told that the sooner they could do the prepatory work on him the better it would be. I was fine with this because to look at my baby 12 hours old, he didn't look the same, he was so purple from the blood settleing in him. I dressed him in his going home outfit. A little stripped polo shirt and shorts. His little feet barely poked out from the shorts.
After we sent him, Scott and I sat in my room quietly talking about the day, I wanted Scott to tell me all the details of the day, most of the day from the pain medication, I was in and out of it.
That night Scott stayed in my room with me. Holding me as I cried.

If you would after reading this, if you have any memories of the day, because I was so out of it, please post your memories so I can fill in the blanks.

GREAT friends

Luckly I have some of THE best friends in the whole world.
Francine kept Ethan for the night and was willing to keep him longer if we needed it. Came to visit and took Ethan to play for a day. Ammon came and helped Scott give me a priesthood blessing.
Traci, since I had only packed the babies bag, went to my apt. and packed bags for me, Scott and Ethan. Drove 1/2 way to meet Scott. As family came and went from Utah, she helped them with everything they needed. She came to visit, and though my pregnancy was there to help out with Ethan and let me sit on her couch and talk about everything that was going on.
Melissa, went to the temple and came to visit, again listening to the story of my babies.
Without these friends I would be so lonely and not dealing with the loss of my precious little one.

Throughout the next week and a half, I was given several doses of 'Turb" and had a couple of false alarms. So much family came and went every time we thought the babies were coming, it was a stressful couple of weeks. Allot of tears were shed, allot of laughs, and allot of reliance on others.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

My First Entry Before the babies were born

So I've decided that this is a more efficient way to journal.

When I talk to people they will ask me if I have written down what I just said, I tell them "no, but I will". Well 7 weeks after having my twins I have yet to write much of it down, I think because I don't have 3 hrs. to myself to hand write what has happened, so I'm going to use this blog to maybe fill it all in.

It didn't start just 7 weeks ago. It started in the year 2000!!!

Scott and I met in October of 1999, but didn't start dating until May 29th, 2000. We were engaged on July 31st and married on November 17th, 2000.

In December of 2003 we started trying to expand our family with no luck over the next 2 1/2 yrs. but on Feb 7th, 2006 I found out I was finally pregnant, I was so elated I couldn't contain my excitement and I had to tell everyone as soon as possible.
I had to have several U/S's because I was on Clomid to concive. The first one at 9 wks to check the number of fetuses, only one, and there had been some concerns with my overies being enlarged. At 13 wks I had another one to check for possible Downs or Spina Bifada and I mentioned that the Dr. had requested that measurments be taken of the right overy, I was pointing it out because I was having a little pain. After we left the office being told that they don't do that with this appt. I was crying because I was in alot of pain. We called the Dr. on call she prescribed another U/S and Lortab, I had developed a fibroid tumor that wasn't getting the blood supply it needed to survive. After a few days on the Lortab and the pain was gone. Besides the fibroid this pregnacy was everything it should be "perfect". My first little boy Ethan was born on November 2nd, 2006 and proceeded to be a perfect child dispite the colic, the 4 mos. of sleepless nights and learning everything for the first time.

When Ethan was 6 mos. old I saw my O/B and told him we were ready to try for another baby in about 3 months, with all the trouble we went through to conceive Ethan I wanted to be prepared in advance if I needed to take Clomid again. My O/B recommended we not delay the 3 months, use them to see if I would get pregnant on my own, when the 3 months were up I got my perscription filled and got my positive pregnancy test on October 14th, 2007.

On November 14th, 2007, I went in for an ultrasound to confirm, and since I was on Clomid, see how may babies we had. I never even concidered more than one baby, but there on the table at ZOE, the local women's clinic, I was told I was having twins!!! I wish I had taken my video camera, there was a lot of laughing and crying and "Are you sure". We went right out and 3 days later had traded in our SUV for a minivan.

We wanted to wait until Christmas to tell everyone we were pregnant, but upon finding out there were 2 babies, we told everyone right away so they could start planning with us.

And thus starts our eventful year of 2008!

On Jan 9th I recieved a call from my little sister Chelsea telling me that my Dad had suddenly passed away from a heart attack. So we headed straight home to Utah for the funeral. At the funeral several people told me how excited my dad had been about the babies. As I figure it, I have been told that twins skip a generation, well, my grandmother had twins, out of her 9 children the average family is about 6 times that by her 8 living children that's 48 grandchildren and I'm the one it skipped to.

On Jan. 30th I was scheduled to have another U/S. The big 20 week one. We found out we were having 2 boys and thinking nothing of it we were schedule for another big U/S at 24 wks. to get some more measurements. Who knew that in Mar. my whole prespective of being pregnant with the joys and anticipation that come with it would suddenly turn into the scariest time of my life. My whole world turned upside down.

After the U/S on Feb 27th, at 24 wks. we were told that one of the babies has skelatal dysplasia. My OB, Dr. Bradford sent me to a specialist in Billings, Dr. Damron. I saw Dr. D on Feb 29th he did another U/S and came to the same conclusion. Baby B's arms and legs measured about 5 wks. behind schedule. He gave it a name Acholdroplasia, the most common form of dwarfism. However, he wasn't completely convinced, so he scheduled us back at 28 wks. for another U/S. He wanted to recheck the arm and leg measurements, and his biggest concern was with the ribs, as of yet they were not a concern.

The next U/S came on March 21st. Walking into the clinic Iwas hoping to hear that everything was right on schedule and nothing to worry about, or at least hearing that everything was right on schedule for the Achondroplasia. It never crossed my mind that the Dr. would change the diagnosis. Especially after all of my studying of the differant dysplasias, I never in a million years would have expected to hear "Thanatophoric Dysplasia". The most common form of lethal skelatal dysplasia. Were told to expect Caleb to survive until birth, but because his ribs now at 28 weeks gestation were only measuring 19 weeks, but not to survive more than a few days.
I sat on that U/S table stunned, saying all the right things to the Dr., "These were the things you told us to prepare for" "We're still going to pray for our miracle". I stayed so composed as we left the clinic, even as we waited for our car to be brought from valet parking. As soon as I got in the car and the doors were closed I lost it. I haven't cried that hard ever in my life. I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of me, stomped on and put back in my chest. It hurt so much. On the drive home we called our parents to give them the news. In the 7 years Scott and I have been married I have only seen him cry one time. He stayed pretty composed until he told his dad that he would need to be here because they would need to give Caleb his blessing before he passed. The emotions that came from my husband that day as he told his dad that his little boy was going to die, were heart wrenching. Tears and heaves that could only come from the depths of one's soul.

In April between the 2 Dr.'s I started seeing one of them every week. Dr. Bradford did all the check ups on me, to make sure I was doing fine. I saw Dr. Damron again on the 23rd of April. At this appt. he told me that Caleb had alot of excess fluid, he could tell how uncomfortable I was, and was concerned that it was putting excessive pressure on David. He scheduled me to have an amniocentisis on April 30th to remove the excess fluid.

April 29th, the ladies in my church threw me a baby shower, it was wonderful the thoughtful things I got, I was given enough money to purchase a double stroller that would accomidate 2 infant seats. The women that didn't give money gave me two gifts, in hopes that Caleb would make it. The fact that these women would talk to me about what was going on and were willing to listen, was the very most wonderful gift I could have been given.

April 30th Scott, Ethan and I drove to Billings, we dropped Ethan with our friends Ammon and Francine. I had 3 appts. that day, the first at 11:00 was with all the people who might be involved with the birth of our twins. We met with a social worker, who set up any conncetions we would need, such as hotel rooms, the Ronald McDonald house, charitable donation organizations, our birth plan. We met a Chaplin, she would make sure things were followed according to our faith, and if we needed spiritual guidence, she would be able to contact our church.
We then proceeded to the NICU for a tour, since more than likely either of the twins would end up there, we met the nursing staff. We toured the Labor and Delivery.
We then returned to Dr. Damron's office for the amnio. scheduled at 1:00. As he began the amnio, by the way, the needle is not as bad as everyone says, Dr. Damron said to expect alot of pain, he penetrated the skin, I said "Oh, that wasn't so bad" his response, "Just wait", I waited and then it came. As he inserted that needle in through the uterus, the pain was incredible, it hurt so much worse than I had expected. Angela, the nurse had prepared 2 -1 liter bottles. We filled those up very quickly, we started a 3rd bottle, then a fourth, by the time that was full and we continued to fill the fifth bottle before the sac was emptied to a normal amount of fluid, everyone in the room was shocked. 5 -1 liter bottles of fluid removed from my baby's sac, because his ribs were now so small he wasn't able to swollow and pass the fluid through his system.

After the amnio I sat up on the table and was amazed at how much better I felt. I felt as though I could run a marathon, then it hit. The contractions started. Dr. Damron had said to expect it, then came another one, stronger, then another, consistantly 4 minutes apart.
I was observed for an hour, when they didn't stop, I was sent to the Labor and Delivery to recieve a dose of "Turb" a medication used to stop contractions. It worked within a few minutes. I was told that if everything looked okay I could leave at 6:00.
With everything settled and 6:00 passed the nurse came in and told me she was going to check if I was dialated before I could leave, she did and another nurse did, I was 4cm., I was then told that I was being admitted over night. Over night turned into every night until the babies were born.