Looking forward to tomorrow!

Looking forward to tomorrow!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Having a hard time being "home"

Things have been so different since we moved back to Utah. I told Scott yesterday that it’s funny that when we lived in Montana that we called Utah home, now that we’re here we call Montana home.
I pictured things a lot different from what is happening.
It felt great to move away from family and what we called home, and make a new home for ourselves and our kids. In Montana I found myself. I found out who I was as a person, wife, mother, individual member of society, and I felt like I flourished. I was so happy there.
After everything that has happened this year coming back seemed like a great idea. I thought that coming back I would maybe have a little help with the kids so that I would have a little time to myself to reflect and meditate on what all has happened. I thought that like in Bozeman people would volunteer to give me a little help. I think that is what I miss most. My friends, my ward family and co-workers who were always willing to lend a helping hand, no matter how small.
Since we have come home, my ward family doesn’t know me very well to offer support, I don’t have any co-workers and MY family has been very little help. Yes my little sister did help me get my living space organized, but before it was done I was left with an active 21 month old that promptly marked his territory by getting out all his toys, so I have a hard time keeping it up. Also, being confined to the basement (which grandpa has told me I don’t have to be, but with nursing and nap time we spend a lot of our day down here.) I am desperate everyday to get out of the house, I try to make sure Ethan is getting enough exercise and exhausting all the pent up energy he has, but it is really hard to do when I’m in the middle of nursing David and Ethan wants me to take him to see the creek at John Adams Park, and if I don’t he starts going down the hill by himself no matter how many times I call him back, so I have two choices, I can either let him go by himself and hope he doesn’t fall in, not really a choice, so that leaves me with one choice, quit nursing, making David cry because he’s still hungry and go chase after Ethan, again giving him his own way.
I just feel like I’m failing because I don’t know how to get Ethan to listen to me, I don’t know if I’m talking to much to him, that he doesn’t hear my voice anymore, I just end up getting so frustrated with him. Then my mom tells me that I shouldn’t be frustrated because he communicates so well that he is never going to go through the terrible 2’s, according to her none of her children did the terrible 2’s. Then again according to her, she did everything right. She had 7 kids and was able to take care of them all by herself, and she me today that she doesn’t know what’s up with mothers these days, when she was having kids her generation didn’t have their mothers help, they just had kids and took care of them without any help, from anyone.
Ever since we have moved back she thinks she knows exactly what I’m going through, I make a comment and she says that she understands because she has been there, done that. But she doesn’t have a clue.
I know she had miscarriages, and that I have not, but I don’t think it is as devastating as knowing weeks before you are to give birth that your baby is going to die, she has never sat at the graveside of one of her children, yes maybe her grandchildren but not her own. So to say that she understands what I’m going through, she hasn’t got a clue.
I told her today that I just can’t understand how the day goes by so fast, it’s not like I’m sleeping in or being lazy, I start my day at least by 6:30 if not sooner, and before I know it, its 1:00 and time for Ethan’s nap, and I haven’t got very much accomplished, she then told me all the things that she did with her 2 children, who were closer together and were harder to take care of, how she was pregnant for the 3rd time by the time my oldest sister was Ethan’s age, how she had to boil chickens and rice to make formula, how she had to use cloth diapers, and somehow she managed.
I just don’t know why she wants me to feel like such a failure. Maybe she doesn’t, but that is how I feel.
She couldn’t have cared less when her parents passed away; I had built a good relationship with my dad before he passed away. If I make a comment about how much I appreciate Scott because he did something helpful or nice, she reminds me how bad her marriage was and rips on my dad then doesn’t stop there, but continues with Pam, my step-mom, who is a very nice person, and has the unfortunate task of finishing up the court issues that were going on before my dad passed. But she is mad because Pam is the one who did the homework for my dad. And my mom keeps saying that because of Pam we kids are not sharing my dads life insurance, well in my opinion, they were married whatever they decided to do with their finances was their business, I’m not going to hate Pam because she loved and was a wife to my dad. I can only think that my mom is so mad about all of this because Pam had the marriage that my mom always wanted. But according to my moms cousin, she came to him the night before she got married and told him she didn’t love my dad, and my uncle told her that he would help her call off the wedding, that it wasn’t right for her to ruin his life, but she told him that things had already gone to far, that she had to go through with it. So if this is true than I don’t think she has any right to complain that her marriage was bad and that she divorced him. She even made the comment tonight “When your dad left” as if it was his choice and decision. I don’t think she takes any of the blame for anything. She always just thinks she is right. It makes me crazy.
I guess I thought that since everyone was pushing so hard for us to come back to Utah that that meant they were willing to lend a hand and make things a little easier, at least for a little while, until Scott and I could find our footing again.
Scott’s family has been such a help through all that has happened, but again since we have been home, we see them very little.
Scott’s mom has his sisters kids there half the week so I don’t feel comfortable asking her for help, then the days that the other grandkids aren’t there she is trying to take care of her business. I did ask her if she could watch the kids 1 day last week for a couple of hours so I could go to a dr. appt last week, and she said it would depend on her daughter, I just got the feeling that her daughters kids were more important than mine, why couldn’t she make the decision?
I feel so alone right now, I just wish I could pack up our things and move away again.


Mommy Melissa said...

Oh Seve! I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. We would gladly have you back here! I would love to have Ethan come play. It sounds like you need a little vacation, or a trip to pick up a birth certificate. Thanks for the perspective. I had been wishing I was closer to family right now, maybe I should be careful about my wishes. Try to be patient with your mom. I'm sure on some level she thinks she IS helping. I know that doesn't make it any easier.

Anna said...

Having little ones that close together is hard. Now that mine are older, I can't believe I actually survived it. Because you have David, Ethan seems like he should know better about a lot of things. He's the big brother, not the baby. But he is still little.

I thought I'd lose my mind sometimes. I also started having anxiety really bad, even a couple of panic attacks. I went to a counselor one time (never made it back) and even that one time helped so much. I was frustrated with what I had done, wasn't doing, might not do. She reminded me that what's in the past is in the past. I can't keep wishing that I'd done something differently with the kids. I couldn't worry about what I might do wrong, because the future just isn't here. I had to live in the here and now.

She also said that I needed to network with other moms. Get out of the house. I am a homebody, so that is hard for me. But as I started relaxing, (and taking medication), quit worrying about so much, I started feeling better.

I have preschool on Tues/Thurs for a couple hours. But if you want to get out of your house sometimes for a bit, you are welcome to come here. Ethan would probably like playing with my kids, and you could relax and hold David without too much interruption.

I know that moving can take some time to adjust. And I've only moved 2 blocks. But we were still in a new ward that didn't know that I had struggled to get pregnant. They just assumed I was a new mom with no prior problems. I hope things get better for you. And I hope that the cabin weekend gave you a needed break. At least for that day. :)

Anna said...

Oh yeah, and about that "mom's these days" comment that mom's used to do it all themselves back when.....

Life is different than it was back then. Granted, I don't know exactly how it was back then. But it appeared that the mom did do it all. Then the dad came home and mom still did it all. Mom never got a break. My mom tells me that when she got married, she didn't take off and do girl's nights or go on trips without the family.

Well, too bad. :) What is so wrong with leaving your kids for a couple of hours or going overnight without them? When dad comes home, he can help with the kids and chores too. He helped bring the kids into the world, and he lives in the house too.

Now being a stay at home mom, yeah, we can do a big share of the work. But assuming that it is a family of 4, mom is 1/4 of the mess in the house, yet picks up 3/4 to all of the mess. Moms need help.

Mom's don't get 15 minute breaks or lunch hour to get away from all the work. So I don't think there is anything wrong with having help from others if you need it.

Lewieville said...

I love you and if it wasn't after midnight where you are I would call you! I am so sorry... and I totally understand about your mom! We've talked about this before:) Hang in there, but I know you will you don't have any other choice!

Renee said...

Seve if it is any consolation my mother sounds like yours. After my dad passed away she once made a comment that she feels she did a good job with not having any help from my father!! WHAT??? yeah ok she stayed home all day, watched soaps we pretty much fended for ourselves, she spent what little dad brought in and complained we never had enough to pay the bills.

I am sorry you are going thru this rough spot. I remember thinking when the kids were little that I would NEVER survive this...fortunately I did and have gone on to homeschool, be a work at home mom, but in it all like you I have a supportive husband... We show our husbands the love they deserve therefore in return they help us...UNLIKE it sounds like our mothers didn't make sure the dads were appreciated therefore little support. I know some of it was the era, but still I saw loving helpful fathers from back in the day, but there was a mutual understanding between the partners. Marriage is a partnership something apparently our mothers anyhow missed somewhere along the way.

Please be sure you get out of that basement for sure, get some sun...I know our days are getting less now, but get some, even if it means finding a gym that offers tanning and childcare...that was my outlet after baby #3 and Carl was working 24/7 and I had no family around that would help out. Be patient with Ethan he has had a lot of adjustments the past few months as well and is younger and trying to process it all.

Hugs sweetie and hang in there!! It does get easier I promise. Well maybe not the mother issue...lol I still struggle with that one to the point we aren't speaking.